Rushed moments in an adrenaline scramble for success,
our kisses missing each other in an electrical storm
between synapses and society. We,
anger issues and beauty-chasing aside,
are a passionless pair.
There is no uncertainty that Spain would bring sunburn
and by the time we reached Italy I'd be choking in
an eating alcohol disorder, lies latched to the bathroom door.
You, bedbound, a man and his hand, covered with
boyish fear that I would leave you with nothing to moan over
but white hotel pillows.
You say our love is unconditional, but
I think we're a sick pair of sex cells who have
abandoned homeostasis and
duct taped Socrates mouth for the sake
of our stability.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
[Lets out a gusty sigh through her teeth]
This was too much work for me to read, although I did, with an exhausting effect. You used to much description in this poem and I think you should cut it down, immensly! Some imagary is good, but others seem as the sort that belong in a piece of actually.. story writing?
The structure is disorganised and just, all over the place if I'm honest. You need to clean it up and at the same time, so the cutting down I referred to above. When you do this, you should also look at your punctuation, as in some places it really isn't needed.
With work, it'll be good.
I liked it very much, it was strong, the words were dominating and kept my interest. The meaning was easy to see, but the way you described it was sweeping. A very nice poem in my opinion.
Firstly, I was instantly turned off by the disorderly set-up of this poem, but for the sake of it potentially containing some worthwhile content, I pushed past my poor first impression. There is some quality writing here, but this poem is overflowing with a general wordiness that doesn't accomplish anything. My suggestion: go through this, remove everything that doesn't need to be there and start over with your basic idea.
I really like this. It was a little difficult to get into - I wasn't very fond of the first line - but other than that, I found myself really enjoying reading it. The only other change I would make would be to "an eating alcohol disorder, lies latched to the bathroom door." I'm not sure if you put in one, changed your mind and forgot to remove the other, but I'd take out "alcohol" here. It's a very powerful line, and I like the whole poem a lot.
(I'm sorry that wasn't very "critique-y," but I really can't think of many ways to change it to make it better.)
I found this poem a little wordy for my taste; it's drowning in its own vocabulary and getting tangled in its own abstract metaphors. Each part of this is beautiful; unfortunately, I don't think the parts are quite pulling themselves together.
I think this is a better part in comparison to the rest of the piece; it sheds the uncomfortable abstract rush of the previous sentence, and offers a much better description and feel than those that follow.Better luck next time.
-Colly